Forgiving is not easy, is it needed ?

The quality of mercy is not strain’d,
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest:
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.

The Merchant Of Venice Act 4, scene 1, 180–187

Mercy, forgiving is placed high in literature, writings, teachings. Powerful divine is said to be forgiving. All great and mighty are made more so if they show mercy, pardon a reformed, a repentant. And we not so great need to show these qualities. It is rated so high as it is so tough. Forgiving a child for breaking a glass is easy. If she breaks something sentimental a reprimand and then pardon is not very hard.

But to forgive a grown up who has harmed you or insults your thinking, that is hard. In life we encounter so many people , so many agendas with so many opportunities to get hurt.

In professional life one can set rules and hope things will mostly work but there are people who will take advantage of you and progress their agendas. Few of the people have principals that are against yours. Your ideas will be stolen, false credit claimed. Teams poached. One cannot go about holding a grudge against each time someone pokes you for his advantage.

For your sanity let that particular incident and individual go but learn. Learn to understand and anticipate them and prepare for future. There are individuals who raise my spidery sense and now I know how to manage them. The next stage is to sense that particular class of people and situations. Stereotyping does have its benefits.  Just remembering the hurt and loss each time that person for that event comes to mind will tire you down. It is best to file that away and purge it. And fill the space with learning. Over time you become less venerable.

Then there are people who can betray in personal sphere. The closer a person is harder it is to let go of the hurt. If you do not have to meet him often then again it is in your interests to have a closure and move on. But mind, emotions, subconscious do not work with logic. Scars will evoke memories. If you need to bump into that person often then they will fester too. It in this situation that is not possible to forgive. All you can hope is to manage a civil interaction. It gets complicated if your near ones are targeted instead of you. And the one doing it also a close member. The conflict that this brings tears you inside. Saps your life and joy.

You can only compartmentalize your feelings or give some polarization effect. As long as you are not in the topics and areas where potential to get hurt is not there, you are normal. But in the areas where your principals, values and worth are pricked and infested you react and even if you rationalize your cannot forgive or forget. Other areas you work out how to live together. However any picture, music, word can trigger a thought and memory and the loath to wards that person can return.

Somehow one needs to resolve it and seek closure. If not the emotions, the internal strife and conflict will change you. You in turn will develop those very attribute you hate. You will reciprocate and that will escalate it more. And you will treat others with these attributes. It can erode your innate creativity and ability.

Despite knowing all of this is not possible to forgive. Best we can do is avoid the person if possible. Get busy with other things so mind does not think of the hurt. Try and look for some common ground if there is repent. There are times when he/she does not seek forgiveness at all. They think what they are doing is right and justified. There is no attempt to work it out. Obvious approach then is to create a distance and then let time dull it out. If that is not possible then try not to think of revenge and minimize the contact, conflict. Get busy. But forgive ? That will happen only if you are a saint.

If the mistakes are realized and the person realizes the mistake it is on us to then let go of the past and look for future. Lot more can be gained by working together than working around. And both feel good, both are blessed. However reality is driven by egos, perceptions and value frames that are different. So who seeks forgiveness and who forgives ? From whom is it needed ?

PC: Marchnwe

 

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